I have no energy for catchy titles. A number will have to do for now. I may not number them all, but for now it just seems easy. It’s hard to focus and keep my train of thought, so trying to come up with a title, well, no. I cannot.
It’s been ten days. It feels like both longer and less than that… mostly I just feel numb. Still. I am really wondering when that will go away and it will start to feel real. I feel like I’m not mourning you right. I’m afraid you’re watching me and wondering why I’m not more upset. Why am I able to function? Why am I not crying uncontrollably every moment? Why was I able to manage the trip to the funeral home to arrange your cremation (including viewing your body), plan your celebration of life, drive to Maryland, write an obituary, pick out music and pictures, and food?? How did I write a eulogy. How did I deliver it…without breaking down?? The first week was a endless stream of decisions and motions that NEEDED to be done. The service was what I wanted – a tribute, a celebration, a bringing together of all of our family and friends. Yay me. I did it. I pulled it off. Now, it’s over. I can fall apart.
But I haven’t.
I’m just mostly waiting for it to seem real. For the big pain to come. For the little nauseous feeling to turn into full-blown wretching. For an ache to set in that is bone-deep and relentless.
I miss you